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You’ve probably heard of “church hoppers” who change congregations every few months. Often, their reasons for “hopping out” are insignificant if not ridiculous:

• “They never played my favorite hymns.”
• “I was getting bored.”
• “The formality got on my nerves.”
• “People dressed too casually.”
• “No one ever offered to shake my hand.”
• “I hated being told to shake hands/hug my neighbor during the service.” (Blogger’s note: I have to admit this one still tempts me!)
• “They served cheap coffee.”

What it adds up to is an attitude of, “The church exists to serve me in the ways I think best.” So much for our responsibility as believers to serve and edify the body.

Some people hop between friends or spouses in the same way. The first time someone isn’t immediately available, says something thoughtless, or shows an annoying habit–that relationship is history. Maybe the perfect friend who never misunderstands is yet around the corner. Of course, that ideal person never appears; life becomes an increasingly cynical search for the perfect happiness one wrongly feels entitled to.

“But My Friends Really Don’t Understand Me!”

All that said, it does sometimes happen that a relationship is a poor fit. A friendship may be running on borrowed time if:

• A friend doesn’t speak your “love language” and disdains your attempts to explain your needs–e. g., continues to greet you with a slap on the back and laughs at your requests to stop, saying you should accept it like “normal” people.
• A friend shares no real interests with you. A classic trouble sign is when someone starts complaining, “We always do what she wants, even though I hate it.”
• A friend habitually interrupts you, is aggressive in attempts to convert you on points of disagreement, or insists on giving “help” you don’t want or need.
• A friend can’t be trusted to keep secrets and promises.
• A friend never wants to listen when you have a problem–or dances around sensitive topics in general.
• A friend is constantly on the down beat. Especially if you’re battling depression or a bad attitude, it’s often a good idea to put distance between yourself and chronic grumblers, lest their “nothing good in this world” talk poison your own thinking.
• A friend is all take and no give–or vice versa.
• No matter what you do, you always feel drained after spending time with a particular friend.

(If any of the above seem to describe all your friends, past and present, consider talking with a therapist: you’re likely doing something to attract the wrong people for you.)

Are You Trying to Understand Them?

However, if you can’t charge a friend with any of the above faults, yet still are feeling they don’t understand or that you’re just tired of them, consider the following before you give up:

• Are you expecting more of them than they can give–due either to their human limitations or their own personal struggles?
• If they have some specific mannerism that annoys you, have you actually told them so? There’s a big difference between callous and clueless, and no one should be blamed for not reading your mind.
• If they seem to have changed without cause, might there actually be a cause? Could they be nursing some hurt you’re unaware of? Might you have hurt them without realizing it?
• If you’re just plain bored with them–especially if you’ve been “too busy” to enjoy the together times of old–could you plan an outing or new experience together?
• (This applies to every circumstance.) Have you bothered to confront the problem and talk about it? Running from a secret grudge is the coward’s way out, and is likely to lead to the problem recurring with your next friend.

And remember, even Job found reconciliation with his friends eventually!